A gathering of whores,karma,bleached queens,slaymamas.That is what women who scream domestic violence are tagged in NIGERIA.
What did you do wrong?You obviously did something to make him react.Do you dress well? Smell nice? Cook different dishes, give him mind blowing sex? Submissive? Didn’t lose weight after the baby or babies? Don’t fix your hair?Yes..Did you? Did you? Did you?
I have read with dismay how fellow women chastise others who have broken free or tried to break free from the shackles of domestic violence and emotional abuse.Some of these women type their hateful comments with broken fingers ,broken hearts shattered by years of abuse .There is hope for you sis!
Tonto Dikeh,Mercy Aigbe are the poster children for the fight against domestic violence.They have been at the receiving end .GO BACK TO YOUR HUSBAND OH! FIX YOUR HOME! WATCH WARROOM! FAST AND PRAY FOR HIM! These and more are the things they are told .
Their estranged husbands,get off rather easily .
I have nothing against those women and female celebrities who decide to stay quiet despite being beaten black and blue by men they claimed they love.We all handle it differently.
If nursing your broken bones in silence makes you feel better, hell yeah.If screaming out from a rooftop is therapeutic, please do.If you’d rather write a book like Toke Makinwa which was a dope idea,make that money sis!
I have been a victim of domestic violence ,the wounds were skin deep but my heart wasn’t damaged because I wasn’t emotionally abused by this man.It was purely physical. So I left that relationship with my sanity.
But the worst form of abusers are those who are emotionally abusive .When combined with physical abuse,it becomes a lethal combination which would drive any woman insane ,I mean medically insane.
EMOTIONAL ABUSERS.Surprisingly, I feel Mercy Aigbe’s husband though ,I find his denials of physically abusing her comically outrageous, I think he is the milder type of emotional abuser.
He speaks out,he contradicts himself,he begs,he denies.We know how he feels. He doesn’t take time to calculate his words, he acts on impulse..Which leads me to believe he is indeed physically abusive ,but emotionally , I don’t think so.
But, regarding Tonto Dikeh’s estranged or ex-husband, oh, so sleek.Packaged abuser .An abuser with swag, the perfect image ,calculator .He dissects every word,knows when to strike, responds with utter calm..
Probably reads self-help books like 48 laws of power .He may not be much of a physical abuser, but his actions would drive any sane woman crazy.
I have seen both worlds .I have been with an emotional abuser. And after several attempts to break free, I can authoritatively say I know how their minds work.
That was the only way I could mentally break free and seize back that power .
Emotional abuse is usually meted out by men who are low in IQ,intimidated by dating or getting married to women who are above them.These women are usually beautiful by society’s standards.They have everything going for them.
But how do these women get emotionally abused?Â
It”s simple! They don’t see it coming!!!! Emotionally abusive men start off by worshiping the ground you walk on.They are in awe of you, they make it clear they are there to worship you., Being a beautiful woman,with so many men at your beck and call,this one stands out.He is usually not the richest,or the most handsome,heck no. He is that man who makes people say ”what does she see in him”?
But she sees what others don’t see.She sees a man madly inlove with her, in a different way.A man finally befitting of her love .She is taken in by his confidence.He is not all that,but he is confident enough to walk up to me and offer me nothing but love.
So,she falls in love but trust me,it is not instant, it takes a while,she lets her guards down.
Because this man is usually not the kind of man people think is befitting of her status,she starts to create an image of him,an image she wants the world to see.
She moulds a new identity for him,he becomes her project, her perfect man who needs a little touch ups.She starts to lie to her friends, the public, give them a perception of this man,her man, the man who loves her.She makes him larger than life, she gives him confidence, she boosts his ego.
It pays off . They start to respect this man who finally got her heart. The world starts to hail him.The man who tamed her .He sees the looks of admiration, the whispers, the stares from other women who now want this man who they think is perfect.
Unknown to her,men already have egos,any attempt to boost it further is the beginning of your nightmare.
Then he wakes up one day and takes a look in the mirror, he is a different being,he is that man who bagged the woman most men desire.He is the MAN. He sees himself differently. At that point, it hits him,if I could get her,I could get anyone else.I’m that cool.
But she is too blind and consumed in her efforts to build this man,she starts to lose herself,her identity and she doesn’t realize it.She is so invested in making this man who loves her perfect.She is falling inlove with this man she customized for herself .
He is hers,she builds her world around him.
She doesn’t notice, but he has stopped trying .He stopped trying long ago. He now sees her differently, she has been demystified .She probably changed for him,changed her attitude,changed her lifestyle,and everything which attracted him in the first place.
Then its time for the snake to sting, so he gives her her first test. He hurts her .She is shocked by the hurt.She can’t believe he would do this to her.He is human afterall,he has flaws. In other cases,she would leave,slam the door and never return.But this man is her project, she has invested time in creating this man for her,so she forgives him.
Oh,she let that go easily? Then he hurts her the second time, usually it’s deeper than the first.He begs for forgiveness once again,he is her pet project,she can’t let him go now.She probably is pregnant or has a child already.Emotional abusers are so keen on getting their victims pregnant so soon.That way, it is harder for her to walk away .FACT!
She starts to contemplate leaving him,but how does she do that,when she has screamed his name from the rooftops? How does she fail at this? How does she go back and tell the world, that man who she claimed was perfect ,was a fictional being conjured by her? .How do they know she polished him up,changed his style,upgraded him?
She can’t let go,just yet and the abuse gets deeper,he starts acting up,probably cheating with those poor girls who think he is all that, they say,if he could get her to love him,he is worth it.I am privileged to be sleeping with the same man she is sleeping with .
This emotional abuser starts to brag.He can’t believe this lady who was larger than life has been reduced to a crying puddle.She loves him,he cheats,she stays, he walks out on her,she stays.He hits her, breaks her down with his words ,she starts to believe she is really worthless .She believes him.His over-sized ego is beyond control.
She doesn’t realize it’s time to let go.Drag the rug off his feet.No,she continues to sink deep. Frustrated, a mess.She must have done something wrong.He used to be worship the ground she walked on.Maybe she didn’t love him enough,maybe he is intimidated by her success . She goes back to the drawing board, consumed with fixing it ,what went wrong? “I must have used the wrong screw some where.”” she says.
As she keeps herself busy with trying to make him perfect again, he is on to the next, the thrill is gone.
He has her on lock down. She has alienated herself from friends and family,her dreams on hold .She tries to leave, yes she tries, but he never lets her go.He wants her there,not because he loves her, but she is a trophy. A reminder of his conquest, a testament to his achievement ,his ego .
He begs and pleads like he is obsessed, he tells you he can’t live without you .Then you go back and its back to the same circle .
He keeps hurting her and keeps driving her to the edge,she is crazy.She is trapped,irrational.She is genuinely going insane.
But like all strong women,someday,some how,she breaks free, even Karrueche tagged weak broke free from Chis Brown’s emotional abuse…The fame,money,thrills were not enough to keep her.
So she does it too .It takes awhile,but she does .She can’t do it in silence,she needs to rant .If she doesn’t ,people would say, oh he did this for you and you left?
You are a whore,you can”t keep a man, you are not submissive. How do they know she made him so perfect? .No one would believe her ? They bring up her past to justify her present predicament .
The more she talks,the crazier she sounds .He is in perfect control.He knows her.He is a master controller. She has created this image for him,he can’t taint it.He keeps silent,enjoying the show.
He has another victim in line, some poor girl who didn’t know him when he was broke,probably without style,she didn’t know his wife lied about his net-worth, used her connections to give him respect,she didn’t know,he was a churchrat ,so she falls hard for this image and fantasy created by another woman.She treats him like a king he has been transformed into ..
It is not her fault,someday she would learn just like you did ..Never give a crown to a man who wasn’t born a king!!!
Dedicated to all the strong women out (mistaken for whores) there trying to leave or have left abusive relationships.
NB-This post and all comments were mistakenly deleted ,so had to republish)
XOXO
Emeh Achanga
Emeh Achanga,the CEO of the Miss Petite Nigeria Brand is a lawyer turned blogger. She is very passionate about writing, with several publications and awards to her credit .She is currently working on publishing a collection of short stories which are basically a memoir about her exciting true experiences.
